The Various Misadventures of Heather
by Writer Awakened
Summary: FE10. A series of entirely serious and deeply educational vignettes about everyone's favorite blonde thief. Also lies. Part 6: Why Heather may or may not be invited to any future cookouts and/or slumber parties.
1. Ilyana

The Various Misadventures of Heather

-

1. Ilyana

-

A Crimean researcher whom no one had heard of had nonetheless performed an experiment where he shook a stick whenever he fed his pet dog, and eventually he got the dog to eat the stick, or something like that. Maybe it was a bell, and the dog had eaten the bell or something. Anyway, this anecdote has very little to do with our story, or maybe it does. Who knows?

Sometime during one of the many wars Tellius experiences on almost an annual basis, Heather entered a small tent where Ilyana sat on a small bed, reading a large leather-bound book. There was a thunder tome sitting on a small table to the side. What appeared to be fruit seeds were scattered on the grass below Heather's feet as she shuffled in.

"Hey, cutie," Heather said, slipping through the flaps of the tent effortlessly and without having to strain herself. Ilyana grunted. "Good to see you again."

"Hrm? I- I didn't hear you come in," Ilyana said.

Heather giggled. "That's kinda the point, isn't it? I wouldn't be a very good thief if you always knew where I was. That's how I got half of my possessions: being quiet. Hehe, I bet you can't guess what I else I can do quietly?"

"Um…"

"Hey, Ilyana. It's a little bit boring sitting around waiting to fight. What're you doing?"

"Um…" Ilyana was about to speak when a terrible rumbling issued through the room. There was a roar like the splitting of the earth or maybe a tiger. Heather blinked a few times. She had never heard anything quite like it before. She raised her right eyebrow and stood straight upright, eyes cocking back and forth from left to right, from near to far.

"What was that?!? Ilyana, was that you?"

"Well, er, I guess. Perhaps," Ilyana said. Still sitting, she placed her book down on the bed and rocked gently from side to side, her eyes closed. "I am…a little bit hungry…just a little…a bunch…a lot…much. I'm…very hungry…Feather…er, Heather…"

Heather laughed. "So that was your stomach? That's so cute. Hungry, huh? It's good to have such a ravenous appetite. It shows you're healthy." She put her hand to her chin and thought for a moment. Through the silky, billowing folds of the tent behind her, she could hear the sounds of bells, which signified lunchtime at the army's camp. Ilyana's ears pricked up.

"Was that…the lunch bell? I don't have enough strength to get up…" Ilyana fell back against her fellow pillow and the bed fluffed up and rippled under her. "That's not a nice thing to do. I wonder if they know I'm too hungry to move?"

"Hmm…" Heather grinned. She walked to the foot of Ilyana's bed and sat down on the edge. "Hey, Ilyana. I've got a proposition for you."

"Urr…what?"

"How about we make a little bet?" Heather said. Ilyana sat up and looked at the thief, whose torso was spun around to look at her. Heather's bright blonde hair fell haphazardly down her cliffs and hit the ground with a thud, although Heather herself gave the impression that she would never fall anywhere ungracefully, ever. She wore a headband that reminded Ilyana of ninja, strangely enough. "If you win, I'll get you all the food you want…free of charge, of course. I wouldn't charge a cutie like you." Heather winked.

"A bet? What happens if I lose?"

"Oh, don't worry about that," Heather said. "There are more important things than winning and losing, you know. So how about it? Wanna make a bet?"

"Okay," Ilyana said. Her stomach gurgled. She blinked her sleepy eyes. Her vision was foggy and all she could think about was food. Heather was a blur in front of her. All Ilyana could think about was a bowl of long, smooth pasta noodles and two watermelons. Her stomach gurgled harder. "What kind of bet is it?"

"Nothing too crazy," Heather said, swiping a strand of pasta out of her eyes. "Ready for it? Okay. I bet that you won't give me a kiss."

Ilyana blinked. "Huh? A kiss? That's all I have to do?" Ilyana could already smell the roast lamb and fresh vegetables and fresh fruit.

"Mm hmm. That's it. Easy, huh? Anything for a beautiful girl like you. So, do you accept the terms of our agreement?"

Ilyana could taste the food now. The lamb was charred enough to have flavor, but not enough to be burnt, and the fruit was juicy and sweet and perfectly ripe. "Yes," she said, and Heather leaned in. Ilyana could feel her mouth water and her lips moisten. It didn't hurt that Heather's lips were the shade of fresh strawberries, either. Ilyana leaned forward and kissed the taller woman—who had to crane her neck down until her pasta tumbled into Ilyana's face—on the lips. At some point during the kiss, Ilyana worried if she would accidentally touch Heather's uvula with her tongue. The parts of her mind not thinking actively about kissing or food were thinking about how intriguing a word 'uvula' was. She wondered what a uvula tasted like. About a minute passed and they slowly withdrew. Ilyana blinked, and Heather giggled. There were butterflies in Heather's stomach and nothing in Ilyana's.

"I guess you won," Heather said, uncharacteristically awkward, after a moment of silence. Through her fogged, still half-drowsing eyes, Ilyana saw the thief woman's face shade pink. "A promise is a promise, then, cutie. Don't worry, I'm sure I'll be able to scrounge up more than my single ration of food. It isn't like they keep the food stores heavily guarded, right?"

Heather walked to the flaps of the door, smiling broadly, then paused for a moment and turned to see Ilyana gently rocking back and forth on her bed, wiping her lips with her sleeve. When she was sure Ilyana was watching, Heather winked, sighed inaudibly, then withdrew herself from the folds of the tent.

Ilyana sat quietly, her mouth watering at the prospect of roast meat and succulent fruit. It was such an easy bet, Ilyana thought, lying back on her bed. Heather was nice. Maybe she'd give her food more often, Ilyana wondered—after all, she did seem to have quite a concern about her appetite. For some strange reason, from then on, whenever Ilyana's thoughts returned to Heather, she always thought about food and her mouth would begin to water almost automatically. Needless to say, Ilyana made it a point to spend more time around her.


	2. Gatrie

2. Gatrie

-

Heather looked around the camp in each of the tents, trying to find where they cooked the food. After surreptitiously peering into a few tents—several of which she knew belonged to some of the women in the group—and swiping a few handfuls of coins from several others, Heather ambled towards the center of the camp, frustrated.

"Aw, sheesh, there's no one around," Heather lamented, kicking at the dirt and the grass as she walked along. "What does a girl have to do to find some food here? It wouldn't be fair to keep Ilyana waiting for so long."

Heather turned a corner and she saw a blonde man with heavy blue armor slowly walking through the camp, looking up at the sky. She watched him for a few moments then decided he was as good a target as any. It was good he was a man, she thought; it was not going to be difficult to get some good information out of him. Men, she reasoned, were like big sacks of flour: big, sack-like, boobless, and made of burlap. He probably had cash on him too. Score.

"Hey big boy," she yelled, waltzing over to where Gatrie stood, his hands on his hips.

"Oh, my!" Gatrie said as the thief walked over. He looked around to make sure that he was actually awake. "Hee hee! Well! I don't think I've had the pleasure of being able to have the opportunity to listen to and find out what your name is, gorgeous! I hope you don't mind if I ask your name?"

Unbeknownst to both of them, Shinon was hiding behind a nearby tree, drinking, dressing up the tree in a skirt. He finished the job—it was a miniskirt, all the better!—and slinked (slunk?) away to a bigger tree, which he climbed and perched to watch the scene with amusement.

Meanwhile, Heather was in the 'coy' stage of her routine, after having finished her 'sexy walk' portion. "My name?" she said. "Wow! No one has ever come up to me and asked my name before."

Lies. Damned lies. Actually, almost all of the men (and a lioness' share of women, to Heather's delight) asked her name upon meeting her, and few bothered to look at her face for more than a few seconds.

"Well, I couldn't help but notice your magnificent beauty, so it was my obligation, of course!" Gatrie said, smiling. "I don't suppose you would like to go back to my tent and have a drink? My good friend—I have connections, of course—would be able to get us some vintage wine!"

"Oh, really?" Heather said. "What an offer. I love having a nice drink. Especially if I somehow get to make money off it. I'll tell you what: I'll come and have a drink with you if you do me one little favor, okay?"

Gatrie had heard 'do me' and somehow forgot to listen to the rest of what she had said. "Say what now, beautiful?"

"A favor."

"Oh, oh of course! Anything, anything!" Gatrie said, smiling. "I would be glad to help in any way I can."

"Has anyone told you that you almost look like an owl? You look like an owl." Heather asked, tilting her head to the side. Her hair draped down her face.

"Oh really?" Gatrie said, scratching his head. Of all the things he had hoped or expected her to say, that was not on the list. "Well, I—of course! Of course! Hmm-mmm, er, I'm, er, glad you noticed! I-in fact, my many interesting friends have taken to calling me 'The Blue Owl of the Azure'—no, 'The Azure Owl of the Mighty Guard' is what they call me. I'm a very loyal man, you see!"

"Ooh, interesting," Heather said, shaking her hair out, licking her lips. "You seem like a very nice man. I'm sure you'd be able to tell me where I could find some food, right?" She winked.

"Oh, uh, food? Of course! My good friend Oscar is helping to roast some of the meat now. See, I have connections! I am important!" Gatrie turned and pointed to a large tent further along. "The chefs should be in that tent over there, the big one with the blue flag on top. What do you say we go eat together? I know how to show a beautiful lady a good time!" Gatrie's mouth was watering. Her beautiful pasta and watermelons were making him ravenously hungry.

"Hee hee. Sorry, handsome. Sitting around eating is so boring. I like to do cartwheels while I eat."

"C-cartwheels?" Gatrie's mind now turned to thoughts of crazy spinning pasta and bouncing watermelons. Heather walked by, putting one of her hands on Gatrie's armored shoulder, and for a moment he was paralyzed on the spot, wondering where her other hand might have gone and wondering if this was, finally, his lucky day.

When he turned around, Heather had already disappeared like a ninja in a ninja factory, so Gatrie found it a good time to sigh dreamily. A girl like her? Once in a lifetime. Gatrie wondered why women always seemed to disappear so quickly around him (actually, everyone had seemingly disappeared, Gatrie noticed), but this time, at least, something good came out of it. What Gatrie didn't realize, of course, was that Heather had neglected to give her name. However, Gatrie tended not to worry about such silly things as names. For all he was concerned, her name might well have been Watermelon or Feather. The only question left was what her uvula tasted like. It was a good day, and getting better.

Now it was time to find Shinon to see if he still had those bottles of wine. Gatrie, whistling happily, walked by the tree Shinon had once hid behind and was about to think nothing of it when he stopped and whirled around. He hadn't noticed it was such a beautiful lady, and in such a short skirt, too! She was a bit on the tall side, but Gatrie didn't discriminate.

"Why, hello there!" he said, and didn't seem to be bothered by the fact that she didn't respond. It was only when he offered to buy her a drink at the nearby town where everyone was drunk anyway that he realized his sack of money was gone. The entire time, Shinon sat perched in his tall tree, laughing raucously, drinking heartily from his last bottle of wine.


	3. Nephenee

3. Nephenee

-

Now significantly richer, Heather put away her stash of money in a super-secret hiding place (she wondered if people thought it odd that her chest kept growing.) In one of the supply tents, she found a big burlap sack (which, thankfully for her, was not a man, although she had trouble telling the difference.) She went around to the two food tents, which were getting loaded up for the evening sup (and Heather had time enough to rhyme.)

So once Heather had got it together, she ambled to the tents and made commence stuffing her sack with food of all sorts. A roast chicken went in whole, then a few drumsticks for good measure; next, the fruit, including plenty of watermelon slices, juicy, dripping pink peaches, and plums, lots of plums; then came the soup, which she poured into the bag (Heather immediately realized this was inadvisable.) Finally, she found some crisp apple tarts and **pie**. First she put in a cherry pie, then a sweet potato pie, then a peach cobbler. Heather liked **pie**. Finally it was done, so she cinched the sack and made her way across the camp to Ilyana's tent.

She was halfway across the green grassy camp, looking at the ground and thinking about a nice hot spring and girls in bunny costumes when she smacked into someone.

"Hey!" she shouted. "Watch where you're go—oh!" Looking up, Heather realized she had plowed into Nephenee, who pulled herself up off the ground and brushed off the dirt.

"A-Ah…Ah'm sorry 'bout that. Reckon ah wasn't lookin' at where ah was goin' to. I-if you'll be 'scusin me…"

"Whoa, wait a second!" Heather said. She slung her sack of food over her shoulder and grabbed Nephenee's arm. Nephenee squeaked and tried to run, but Heather had her in the clutches of doom. "Sorry, Nephenee, I didn't see it was you! That was totally my fault. C'mon, stay a while, I haven't seen you in a long time." Heather giggled with her best vixen's voice. "We need to_ catch up_, am I right? Or maybe _hook up_?"

"Er…ah apologize, but ah was, uhm…" Nephenee was bright red. "Ah was fixin' to, er…go to…go eat some…uh…"

"Oh, come on! You know I wasn't trying to be mean. I'm sorry I yelled at you. I thought you were a _guy_, or something bad like that. You okay?"

"R-Reckon 'course," Nephenee said. "Ah…ah know y'wouldn't do anythin' like that."

"You should come up see me in my tent some time. Maybe at night? You can talk dirty to me with that cute little accent of yours." Heather winked and Nephenee turned even redder.

"W-Well, ah reckon t-that mightn't be…"

"I'm kidding, Nephie!" Heather said, laughing. "Hee hee hee. You're so serious. Lighten up! Life is too short to spend with a frowny face. There are plenty things in this world to really hate, so enjoy whatever you can when you get the chance! Ha ha. Say, Nephie. Where you grew up out in the country, did you used to jump ropes?"

"Uh...why, yes," Nephenee replied, shifting from foot to foot. The reds in her face turned to pink. "Ah used to jump ropes with one of mah girl friends back in Oma."

"Ooh, a girlfriend," Heather said, chuckling. She stuck out her chest a little bit, happy that she wore tight clothing. She hoped Nephenee didn't hear the coins jingling. "_Shhhhh_! Hee hee! I won't tell. But I bet she wasn't as cute as I am, right?"

"W-What? Ah don't really know…yer both good-lookin', if that's whatcha mean."

Heather knew what was going on at once: she had been like that with her first girlfriend, too. After a few months, they went their separate ways, but Heather still remembered her first with a certain fondness, her purple-haired Marietta. Marietta was still the most good-looking girl in the world, as far as Heather was concerned, but she tried to put that out of her mind.

"I totally know what you mean," she said. "But I guarantee I'm a better rope-jumper than any of your old girlfriends were."

"Ah see. D'ya want ta—"

"Rope jump with you sometime? I'd love to!" Heather interrupted, clapping her hands together. "How about tonight? I have the best rope, you'll love it so so so much, I _promise_."

"Shucks…that's awful nice of ya…okay." Nephenee cracked a smile. "Mah girl friends and I back home used ta have a lotta fun rope-jumpin'. An' a lotta heart, too."

"Really? Cool. You have to tell me about your friends back home some time, Nephie."

"Yeah, ah reckon ah do. All mah old girl friends, why, we used to have a grand ol' time. Ah…didn't really have any boys as friends, though. 'Less you count ol' Brom, but…"

Heather wasn't surprised. She'd had Nephenee pegged from the moment she saw her. Heather couldn't explain why, but she had some sort of seventh sense for finding girls who liked girls.

"Can't blame you much. You don't choose your friends, your friends choose you!" Heather giggled and winked, which made Nephenee blush again. "Go Nephie, I choose you! Hee hee. Hey, 'ah reckon ah gotta' get this food back to Il—my tent. I've got a _huge _appetite today. Need to go get some _eye candy_. Hee hee. How about when the sun goes down, I'll come around to your tent and bring my jumping rope with me. Good?"

"That's soundin' mighty good. Ah hafta be goin' now."

"See you then, cutie!" Heather said. She blew Nephenee a kiss and walked on towards Ilyana's tent. Some of the hot soup had leaked from the bag onto her back, but she didn't even care. She had a date. Another one.


	4. Tanith

4. Tanith

-

Heather was halfway back to Ilyana's tent with her huge sack of food when she noticed Tanith and Sigrun standing in the middle of the campsite talking. As silent and as graceful as a ninja, the long pasta-haired thief crept to the side of a tent close enough to where the pegasus knights were standing to listen in on their conversation, and peered around the side of the tent to catch a glimpse.

"And so you want me and my squadron to fly with you at the vanguard next battle?" Sigrun asked, gently brushing her long teal hair. Her expression was genial and serene, as it always was. In all the time Heather had spent observing Sigrun of Begnion (and Heather spent a lot of time ogling Sigrun of Begnion, to be sure), the thief/ninja had never seen her angry or on edge.

"Y-Yes," Tanith said. "I don't see the wisdom in dividing our wings. It would put me much more at ease if—" Tanith paused and cleared her throat. "Rather, it would be more prudent if we coordinated our tasks. If we were to be split up there would be no way to communicate once the battle begins."

The short-haired woman stood straight, her shoulders stiffly perpendicular, her head held up. Tanith always kept the appearance of a perfect soldier, though when she stood before her commander, Heather noticed, she always stood up a little bit straighter, and always seemed a wee bit peculiar when speaking with her beautiful superior. Tanith was a sharp contrast to said superior; whereas Sigrun was almost _**SQUEE**_-ably feminine and utterly easygoing, Tanith was serious and professional to a fault. Whenever Heather had considered going to talk to her (usually between ten and fifty-three times a fortnight), Tanith's unerring gaze always made her reconsider, and as a result, Heather generally wound up going to Marcia whenever she was in the mood to chat up a sexy pegasus knight.

"That sounds very wise. Have you spoken with our strategist about this?"

Tanith cringed. "Yes, I have. The first time I tried to speak with him I found him fast asleep, mumbling the, uh, the name of Ike repeatedly. Eventually I did deliver the message of my intent to him. It wasn't pleasant, honestly."

"Good. All is well then." Sigrun smiled and twirled a lock of her long hair in her fingers.

"I see. Well then, I…I take my leave of you?" Tanith said. Heather reckoned it sounded more like a question than a statement.

"Tanith, what did you _really_ come to talk to me about?" Sigrun said. She took one step closer to Tanith and lowered her voice.

Heather's heart skipped a beat and she had to clamp a hand over her mouth to muffle her girlishly girly squees of delight. Somehow the pegasus knights had still not managed to detect her presence (Heather accounted for this with her awesome slappin'-cool poppin'-fresh _ninja headband_.)

Tanith looked to the left and right before speaking. "It was about…last night."

Heather saw Tanith blush.

"Yes?"

"I…had a very enjoyable time."

"I'm glad," Sigrun said. She sighed in a manner that Heather (utterly enamored of Sigrun as she was) could only describe as "dreamily."

"A-And that…" Tanith looked around again and lowered her voice even more. Heather had to strain her ears to hear (luckily her totally rad B.A.R.F in' kickin' nifty sweet ninja headband also amplified her hearing level over nine thousand.) "That 'wooden implement' you used was fantastic," Tanith continued.

Now Sigrun blushed.

"I'm glad it was good for you," Sigrun said, now twirling her hair in her whole hand and still managing to look adorable in doing so. "It was good for me too."

"I got…so hot…" Tanith said. She tugged on her collar and blushed even harder.

"Ahh…it was rather hot in my tent that night, wasn't it? I was all sweaty…"

_Oh goshity gosh! This is so hot! _Heather thought. _Now I'm so hot!_ _Believe it or not! Hope I don't get caught. I can't be bought! I like to rhyme! I can't believe I'm hearing this! Pretty little Sigrun and cute, tough Tanith…together! I knew it! I knew they were a perfect couple! The gorgeous beauty queen and the rough, tough girl to protect her. _She giggled softly, and for a moment she was afraid she had given away her hiding place (again, ninja). _I wonder who wears the titanium-plated wonder skirt in their relationship?_

"May we…do it again? Tonight?" Tanith asked suddenly. "Please?"

Sigrun tapped her foot anxiously against the ground. She smiled at Leonardo as he walked by (which Heather found unusual, because everyone else habitually ignored him) and cleared her throat, clearly uncomfortable. She was so adorable that Heather almost couldn't resist running up to her and giving her a _mighty huggle_! When Sigrun was absolutely positive (and positively absolute) that no one else was around (again, Heather's ninja skills also gave +1 to her skill in dropping eaves) she turned back to Tanith and said, "But what if someone were to discover that we…that you and I were making l—"

"No one will find out," Tanith said. Certain that no one else was around, she dropped her veil of professionalism and put a hand on Sigrun's shoulder. "It will be our little secret. No one has to know. I promise."

"But—if they do find out, we—"

"They'll never find out. Please! Last night was too good! It was too…too…_delicious_! I want more! I need more!"

"W-Well, if you're certain…" Sigrun whispered. She rubbed Tanith's shoulder. "All right then. Tonight, in my tent. I'll be waiting…"

"Of course," Tanith said as Sigrun walked away. She stood there silently and watched her partner; meanwhile, Heather stood and watched her, completely unable to hide how giddy she was to watch such a romantic scene between girls unfold. As a result, she very un-ninja-like-ly ran out from the tent behind which she was hiding and, before Tanith could react (fortunately, considering that Tanith probably would have reacted with sword in hand), charged the brown-haired pegasus knight from behind, initiated Full Hug Mode, and prepared to activate **LATCHING ON POWER!!!**

_Countdown to Glompact…_

_3…_

_2…_

_1…_

**GLOMP.**

**-**

**To Be Continued…**


	5. Tanith II

5. Tanith II

-

Heather's glomp was mightily mighty enough to cause Tanith to stumble forward and almost lose her balance.

Tanith said, "Oof," as Heather latched tightly onto her and squeezed.

"That was sooooooooooooo _cyuuuuud_!" Her arms already wrapped around Tanith's strong shoulders, Heather "playfully" bit into Tanith's neck with her girly fang and Tanith yelped.

"What on earth are you doing?" the pegasus knight exclaimed, trying to shake off the ninja thief with little success.

Finally Heather let go, if reluctantly. "What? That's just my way of saying hi!" Heather giggled. "Giggle."

"Did you just say 'giggle'?" Tanith said, furrowing her brow. Her hand was on her sword.

"Yes. Oh come on, don't say you didn't like it. I know you like it when cute girls give you hugs. Tee hee. Don't lie!"

"W-What?! That's the most ridiculous—" Tanith blushed and cleared her throat. "I honestly have no idea what you're talking about."

"I don't think we've met yet," said Heather. "My name's Heather. It's really cool to meetcha."

"Oh. Well, then…hello. My name is Tan—"

"Oh, I already know your name, cutie. It's Taaaaaanith!" Heather yelled flamboyantly. She giggled and shifted her big bag of food from one shoulder to the other. The big watermelons inside rolled around and clunked. Her back was still soaking wet from the soup that had leaked out of the sack, but she didn't care. "And I saw you talking to Sigrun. She's gorgeous, isn't she?! Isn't she?!"

"Wait, w-what did you say?" said Tanith, startled. "You didn't…hear…anything, did you?"

"Of course I did, silly! I heard all about your _hot night_ last night." Heather giggled and blushed. "Don't worry. I won't tell a soul…_if_…you let me join in with you next time. Oooooh!"

"What?!" Tanith said. "How did you hear? But that's impossib—well, I…" Tanith took a step back and looked Heather over as she swung her long blonde pasta around. She seemed to be thinking, or so Heather gathered, because Tanith was taking an appreciably long time looking her over, taking an especially long time to look at her melons.

"Well, you certainly are, er…"talented" enough. But I don't know if Commmander Sigrun would appreciate having someone else involved in the…activities. Especially someone without the proper _experience_."

"I have plenty of experience," Heather said, as sultry as she could. She fluttered her eyebrows and winked at Tanith, who seemed to be under no small amount of discomfort, sweating copiously (scientifically speaking, she sweated 1.61 Buckets). "Don't worry, I'm very good with my hands. I know what to do when the lights go off. Especially with such a deliciously manly woman around."

"What? 'Deliciously manly woman'?" sputtered Tanith. "W-What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means I want to join in your 'fun', silly! Don't think I don't know what you two were up to! I'm smarter than I look, y'know!"

"Well, of course that—" Tanith stopped abruptly and looked Heather over. "Did you say 'smarter than you look'? That isn't saying a whole lot, you know."

"Golly, that wasn't nice," Heather said, pretending to cry. She wondered if Tanith found it cute when girls cried. "Just because I know your secret?"

Tanith lowered her voice to a hush and pulled Heather behind a tent. When she was sure nobody was around (and she could tell, because she could see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles), Tanith whispered, "How? How could you possibly know? Were you watching us?"

_Oh! I could have been watching them doing…that? That's so sexy! _Heather thought to herself and immediately had the urge to return to her bunk and "cool down" her hot body for a while. Instead she shook her head (her pasta flew every which way) and said, "I wasn't watching, but I heard you! You can't hide anything from me! I have ninja hearing, you know!"

Heather pointed to her ninja headband. "This is the official metal headband of my village, you know. It's the 'Village Hidden in the Hot Chicks'! Tee hee."

"So, let me get this straight. You heard—wait, did you say, 'Village Hidden in the Hot Chicks'?" Tanith scratched her head. "A-Are you saying that there is a village somewhere completely concealed by…"

"Hot chicks! Yeah, that's what I said! Don't believe me? To make sure no one sees us, we conceal our village behind a veil of gorgeous, stunningly attractive women! Isn't that _totally rad_? We use it to confuse and distract big fat ugly inbred cousin-lovin' two-toothed twelve-toed three-eyed fat-assed redneck men from getting into our village. Heck, it's even our leader, Lord Whirlpool's, special technique: The Technique of Cloning Hot Harem Girls! It's been passed down in our village's history for _years_! Well, that's what my two mommies told me, anyway."

Tanith stood, her mouth gaping open. She blinked a few times before composing herself and standing tall again, as tall as something that stands very, very tall…like a giraffe, maybe. Except hotter. And with less neck. And more awesome.

There were several things Tanith could say in response to Heather, but what she ended up saying was, "You have two mommies?"

"Yes."

"Uh…how…er, how exactly does that…work?" Tanith asked. "I was under the impression—strictly anatomically speaking—that in order to have a child, you need…um…"

"We have our ways. Now…how about you let me in on your hot 'cooking' session tonight, hm? I'm excited to try out your special 'wooden implement'. Bet it's pretty big, huh?" Heather blushed deeply and clung tightly to Tanith's shoulder. "I _want you_, big girl."

"So," Tanith said softly. "You already know about our…_cooking_ night."

"Well of course I do," Heather whispered, louder than Tanith would have preferred. "And don't worry, you don't have to sugarcoat it in front of me. You can call it what it is: S-E-X! Tee hee hee! I'd love to join you."

"Um…what?"

"What what?"

"What does that have to do with cooking?"

"W…Wha-hu?" Heather said. "But you two—last night, you and Sigrun, weren't you two…didn't you say you two were making l—"

"Making lasagna, yes," Tanith said. She turned away to hide her now beet-red face. "We spent all night in her tent…boiling noodles and…and _making sauce_."

Heather fell silent. For once, she was completely speechless. Eventually, she was able to stammer out, "S-So, the 'wooden implement' was—"

"Commander Sigrun had this excellent utensil for stirring the pasta sauce called a 'wooden spoon'." Tanith swooned over the moon for the spoon. "It was…_unbelievable_ how good a little bit of stirring and a little bit of spice makes the sauce."

"And the reason you were hot was that—"

"Haven't you ever tried to cook a whole pasta meal in a small tent under cover of darkness?!?" Tanith exclaimed, as though it were an important life skill that Heather was missing out on. "It gets sooo hot in there…and Commander Sigrun looks so sexy when she's all sweaty…"

"What was that?"

Tanith jumped into the air. "Ah, n-nothing! Absolutely nothing. You heard nothing."

Heather shook her head, still incredulous. "Well then…why did you try to hide it? What's wrong with cooking pasta?"

"Shhhhhhhhhh!" Tanith said. Across the camp, Gatrie came stumbling by, drunk as a whistle and fit as a fiddle. He carried a skirt without a skirt (i.e. dame, i.e. bird, i.e. chick) in it, and apparently seemed to be under the utterly false impression he had depantsed a real woman by the way he was bragging to the air about his myriad exploits. When he had passed by, Tanith turned back to Heather. "Are you mad? Are you certifiably insane? Are you patently daffy? D-Do you know what would happen to our reputation if it were to be discovered that Commander Sigrun and I were…cooking together?"

Tanith shuddered involuntarily. "77777777777777777777777777777777," she said.

Heather scratched her head.

"The point is," Tanith said, "I can't just go around telling people about our cooking escapades! It's far too embarrassing. Not to mention what they'd say about…about…two women…_cooking_ together!"

"I think two women cooking together is a beautiful thing!"

"Well, I suppose it makes sense that you'd think that, considering you have two mommies," Tanith said, nodding and sighing. "I'm sure they used to cook together all the time. To pass the time."

Heather giggled. "They sure did. They loved their cooking. I used to hear them squealing and laughing in their room all night. Tee hee."

"Now I'm wondering if we're talking about the same thing," said Tanith. "Well, anyway, please don't tell anyone. If someone found out…I would be so embarrassed, I might die."

"I understand totally!" Heather said. "Which is why I won't tell ANYONE…not a soul…IF…"

Tanith gulped. "If what?"

"If you let me join in with you when you go to have your hot-and-heavy cooking session tonight, that is. Otherwise…well, I don't know if THE ENTIRE CAMP will be able to keep a secret as well as I can…hee hee…"

"You make this difficult on me," Tanith said, biting her lip. She looked Heather over again. "W-Well, I suppose Commander Sigrun wouldn't mind if you joined in with us…"

"Great!" Heather said. "Totally cool! When are you guys going to start?"

"Well, last night we started at nine of the clock, so…same time tonight, I suppose."

"Sounds great! I'll see you then, then?"

Tanith nodded and turned away. Heather grabbed her sack and turned to leave when she remembered.

_Uh oh…I have to meet Nephie tonight to go rope-jumping!_

Heather whirled around to ask for a slight change of plans, but Tanith had already disappeared somewhere, either over the rainbow or under, or maybe down a rabbit hole.

_Man that chick was quick! _Heather thought. _She was so fast, I'd bet only time travelers, ESPers, data integrated thought entities, those greasy tiny burgers you can get at ivory castles, and godlike beings could figure out where she went. Hm, God Knows, anyway._

Heather shrugged. First things first, she had to bring her sack of food to Ilyana before she wasted away. Heather was more than prepared to serve all three pretty girls—Ilyana, Nephenee, and Tanith/Sigrun—before the day was done. She just needed to active a little bit of her magic powers and a less-little bit of two-(maybe three-)timing.

She skipped away towards Ilyana's tent, whistling.


End file.
